January 2012
47 posts
Spent all morning scouring ebay for a life-size...
THUG LIFE.
Overheard on campus
Him: I don't like coffee. I'd rather just drink cream.
Her: That's weird.
Him: I don't think it's weird. I think liking coffee is weird.
Her: Liking coffee isn't weird. There are coffee shops all over. There aren't any "come in and drink cream" shops.
Him: Sounds like a good business opportunity.
WatchCar singing: Billy Joel Edition
I am disappointed. →
“Madonna is “bringing gay to the Super Bowl.” That’s what we overheard one of her...”
– Madonna may ‘bring gay to the Super Bowl’: dancer
I’m pretty excited about this.
I hope disgruntled, preening jocks throw their remotes in anger and frustration at their precious sporting event having its testosterone sucked out of it from the inside.
Also, I hope she wears...
1 tag
Food Neuroses: Chip Dip Edition
French onion dip may only be consumed with ridged chips.
The dip may only lightly skim the chip. The second the dip texture overwhelms the chip texture, I’m out.
Teeth must be brushed immediately after consuming said dip.
If at any point there is a piece of chip inside the dip, you will fish that fucker out with a tooth pick or it will bother me all night.
The second the dip develops...
Someone just asked me for a light
and I pulled out my zippo.
“Ohh, fancy,” he said to me, and I thought what the fuck has this world come to?
Downloading pornography.
Pizza has been ordered.
GOP debate night check list is pretty much done.
In the middle of the busiest time of day, with ten...
Woman: I'll have a tall decaf Blonde roast, please.
Me: We don't have decaf Blonde roast ground or brewing right now. The only decaf we have is Pike's, which we can do as a pour-over.
Woman: What?!
Me: The only three coffees we're serving are regular Pike's, regular Blonde, and decaf Pike's.
Woman: That doesn't make any sense. How can you not have decaf Blonde?
Me: We're a kiosk. We only grind three coffees in the morning. Those are the only coffees we can brew all day. You can buy a bag of decaf Blonde if you-
Woman: EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
Me: Okay. We can't grind a whole bag for one person. We only grind three-
Woman: THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I'M CALLING STARBUCKS HEADQUARTERS. WHATEVER. I'LL HAVE REGULAR DECAF. GET ME MY COFFEE.
Me: That's fine, ma'am.
I take several minutes to do a decaf pour-over, the most pain in the ass order ever, but whatever. She stands at the side making impatient noises the whole time and leaves without thanking me.
Five minutes later, an even longer line, her friend comes up.
Guy: What's this about you not having decaf Blonde roast?
Me: We can only brew you a coffee if it's already ground.
Guy: So you can't grind it if someone orders it?
Me: We would have to take an entire one-pound bag of decaf Blonde, grind it, then make it as a pour-over. It's a twelve dollar bag of coffee made for one person for less than two dollars. That would be a tremendous waste of money.
Guy: So this is about money?
Me: Sir, I don't make the rules. We always only grind three-
Guy: Starbucks always makes the coffee we want. I'm calling your headquarters. They're going to hear about this.
Me: Well, I hope you have fun with that. NEXT ORDER, PLEASE.
Anyone who orders a decaf blonde roast shouldn't be allowed in the building. That is inexcusable.
2 tags
How I pissed off Michael Bay and became my own...
Last year, on my now defunct wordpress blog “College Butter,” I made a post about my inclination that Michael Bay may be Hitler incarnate. To accompany the piece I took 2 minutes to photoshop a Nazi hat onto a photo of Mr. Bay smirking. It was a moderately well-received piece. Cut to: Yesterday, I received an email from a gentleman in Paramount’s marketing and social spin...
On Ethical Piracy
In late December, indie filmmaker Ti West was bracing for the release of his new film “The Innkeepers.” Like his last picture, “House of the Devil,” it’s a low budget horror film that’s low in cheap scares but high in atmosphere. He directed and wrote both of them himself. Before the release, West took to the internet to make his case for the legal purchase of...
Being a pirate.
Just like any other day.
1 tag
sunnybucket replied to your post: Just sat through the first day of exercise walking class
I took yoga and kick-boxing. I can kick your ass but I’ll be totally zen about it. Namaste.
I could take you.
The worst part about this sweat pants thing
is that I have another class half an hour afterwards, which means I will have to walk around in said sweat pants publicly for at least two hours or so looking like one of those horribly mundane, directionless student types always skulking about in sweat pants.
I am not that person.
Also I’ve resolved to, at least once, use my e-cigarette whilst briskly walking.
2 tags
Just sat through the first day of exercise walking...
Which was, as per usual, a reading of the syllabus.
The syllabus did not answer the questions I have about the absurdity of requiring grown adults to take physical education credits.
It did state that I’m going to have to buy sweat pants, about which I am none too pleased.
Before class I sat outside the fitness center reading Shirley Jackson and soaking in the evil eye from several...
WatchCurrent status.
WatchCar singing: nighttime Allan Sherman edition.
3 tags
1 tag
I opened a new savings account today.
Associated Bank gave me a book about the Packers’ quarterback as some sort of reward for doing more business with them.
It’s a hefty book with glossy pages. It’s nice.
I don’t give two shits about Aaron Rodgers. I already gave it away.
I’m just upset it wasn’t a toaster or something. I could use a new toaster.
You can use toasters to make bagels.
4 tags
Newt Gingrich needs to shut the hell up.
So I got back from work not too long ago, and began to watch the GOP debate. I wasn’t planning on writing anything about it. In fact, I have to be back at work by 7 tomorrow, so I wasn’t planning on doing anything but sleeping.
But then I heard Newt Gingrich say something about there being a bias against Christians and all of my alarms went off at once.
Christians have it very well...
In the Alienation Olympics,
I am the man to beat.
1 tag
"Tutu wearing, yoyo champion husband Steve"
sunnybucket replied to your photo: Seems legitimate.
I think he could be your special someone.
SOMEONE’S jealous.
DAWN OF THE CARPENTERS.
We’ve only just begun…TO DIE.
December 2011
39 posts
3 tags
i-dobelieveincommas replied to your photo: Status: drinking.
marry me
If your plan is to get me drunk and marry me without a prenup, then win Gonzo in the divorce, that would probably work.