February 2012
22 posts
Question of the day: Why don’t more people...
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Here's a thought.
Let’s say Obama is actually a Kenyan subversive (GOD HELP US).
Since your worldview presupposes an omniscient, omnipresent creator, you are a determinist. Nothing can happen that A) Your god does not want to happen or B) Your god does not prevent from happening.
Your god had an infinite number of worlds he could have chosen to create, given that he foresaw every single thing that was going...
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I just got invited to Pinterest
Was totally ready to set up my pin board of head exploding manliness.
BUT LOOK AT THIS BITCH WHO STOLE MY USERNAME.
She hasn’t even used the goddamn thing.
Totally ruining my personal brand.
Filmtastic!: The Woman In Black (2012) →
filmtastic:
The most basic rule of filmmaking is to show, not tell. Nobody likes endless, plodding exposition. But it is rarely mentioned that there can be such a thing as over-showing. The new attempt to tell the story of Susan Black’s novella “The Woman in Black” is a prime example.
The story is…
>Women cracking jokes about Madonna
>Secretly threatened by her sustained sex appeal and relevance.
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My father knows I despise remakes.
But he also knows I love tearing them apart in vitriolic reviews.
And he goes: “Let’s go see ‘The Woman in Black’ and DVR all the super bowl commercials.”
So, yeah. My dad is the shit.
That feeling when you
try to post a car singing video 12 -(count ‘em)- 12 times and Tumblr wouldn’t let it show up and so you transfer it to your computer and upload it from there, but they tell you your video limit was surpassed because of the other posts, except ALL OF THOSE POSTS FAILED. So you upload it to youtube and successfully post it and receive a message from Warner 3 minutes later saying...
Yeah, fuck you.
I am pumped for Madonna’s half time show.
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Jehova's Witnesses arrived this morning.
We had a fruitless chat about 2 Kings: 23, when Elisha summoned two bears out of the woods to maul 42 children to death after they called him bald.
They weren’t familiar with it.
Nor did they heed my advice to “consider the lilies,” who don’t proselytize to anyone.
Always know whence you speak.
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Lana Del Right
I first became aware of Ms. Lana Del Rey during her much maligned Saturday Night Live performance. I am somewhat of an anomaly, considering the video for her single “Video Games” has surpassed 23 million hits on youtube.
In the weeks since, Lana Del Rey has become ubiquitous. I’ve seen her attacked for her music, which she dubs “Hollywood sadcore,” for her...
January 2012
52 posts
WatchTuesday Tori post.
I HAVE THE SNIFFLES LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER
That is all.
Filmtastic!: The Grey (2012) →
filmtastic:
In 2007, while promoting his film “The Mist”- an adaptation of a Stephen King story by the same name- Frank Darabont went on record about his distaste for ambiguous endings and why he changed his for that picture, saying:
I was always one of those people who hated The Birds, even when I…
I'm not watching the Ferris Bueller Super Bowl...
You would do well, to remember, sir, that Raiders of the Lost Ark was an 80s film.
Spent all morning scouring ebay for a life-size...
THUG LIFE.
Overheard on campus
Him: I don't like coffee. I'd rather just drink cream.
Her: That's weird.
Him: I don't think it's weird. I think liking coffee is weird.
Her: Liking coffee isn't weird. There are coffee shops all over. There aren't any "come in and drink cream" shops.
Him: Sounds like a good business opportunity.
WatchCar singing: Billy Joel Edition
I am disappointed. →
“Madonna is “bringing gay to the Super Bowl.” That’s what we overheard one of her...”
– Madonna may ‘bring gay to the Super Bowl’: dancer
I’m pretty excited about this.
I hope disgruntled, preening jocks throw their remotes in anger and frustration at their precious sporting event having its testosterone sucked out of it from the inside.
Also, I hope she wears...
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Food Neuroses: Chip Dip Edition
French onion dip may only be consumed with ridged chips.
The dip may only lightly skim the chip. The second the dip texture overwhelms the chip texture, I’m out.
Teeth must be brushed immediately after consuming said dip.
If at any point there is a piece of chip inside the dip, you will fish that fucker out with a tooth pick or it will bother me all night.
The second the dip develops...
Someone just asked me for a light
and I pulled out my zippo.
“Ohh, fancy,” he said to me, and I thought what the fuck has this world come to?
Downloading pornography.
Pizza has been ordered.
GOP debate night check list is pretty much done.
In the middle of the busiest time of day, with ten...
Woman: I'll have a tall decaf Blonde roast, please.
Me: We don't have decaf Blonde roast ground or brewing right now. The only decaf we have is Pike's, which we can do as a pour-over.
Woman: What?!
Me: The only three coffees we're serving are regular Pike's, regular Blonde, and decaf Pike's.
Woman: That doesn't make any sense. How can you not have decaf Blonde?
Me: We're a kiosk. We only grind three coffees in the morning. Those are the only coffees we can brew all day. You can buy a bag of decaf Blonde if you-
Woman: EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
Me: Okay. We can't grind a whole bag for one person. We only grind three-
Woman: THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I'M CALLING STARBUCKS HEADQUARTERS. WHATEVER. I'LL HAVE REGULAR DECAF. GET ME MY COFFEE.
Me: That's fine, ma'am.
I take several minutes to do a decaf pour-over, the most pain in the ass order ever, but whatever. She stands at the side making impatient noises the whole time and leaves without thanking me.
Five minutes later, an even longer line, her friend comes up.
Guy: What's this about you not having decaf Blonde roast?
Me: We can only brew you a coffee if it's already ground.
Guy: So you can't grind it if someone orders it?
Me: We would have to take an entire one-pound bag of decaf Blonde, grind it, then make it as a pour-over. It's a twelve dollar bag of coffee made for one person for less than two dollars. That would be a tremendous waste of money.
Guy: So this is about money?
Me: Sir, I don't make the rules. We always only grind three-
Guy: Starbucks always makes the coffee we want. I'm calling your headquarters. They're going to hear about this.
Me: Well, I hope you have fun with that. NEXT ORDER, PLEASE.
Anyone who orders a decaf blonde roast shouldn't be allowed in the building. That is inexcusable.
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How I pissed off Michael Bay and became my own...
Last year, on my now defunct wordpress blog “College Butter,” I made a post about my inclination that Michael Bay may be Hitler incarnate. To accompany the piece I took 2 minutes to photoshop a Nazi hat onto a photo of Mr. Bay smirking. It was a moderately well-received piece. Cut to: Yesterday, I received an email from a gentleman in Paramount’s marketing and social spin...